Honorable Mention

To those who've made this list, I say kudos to you! Well done...
You help my day in some way by allowing me to express some emotion in one way or the other...

1. The swerving driver in front of me.
- You help me to maintain my agility and short-response reflexes while sharpening my multi-tasking skills while I express myself vocally at you.

2. The post-editing crew that uploads probably illegal footage from shows, productions to YouTube.
- You help me (probably at the subsequent loss of your job) to have a laugh a day which is truly good medicine.

3. The idiot in front of me that likes to change lanes without using your blinker. I also call you swinger*.
- You help me to practice, hone and sharpen my telepathy skills since I have to effin' deduce that you suddenly want to come in front of me.

4. The lady who forgot to pick up your dog's poop near my apartment last Saturday.
- You help me to remember what a great sense of smell I have when I have to pass and smell your dog's ish every day this week on my way to my door.

5. The little kid who is running around in WalMart (I shop there a lot) looking for his mother, crying and shouting in Spanish.
- You help me to realize that I will train my kids to be behaved in public and stop throwing tantrums if I'm right there in the aisle looking at you.

6. To the mother of the little kid running around in WalMart who is looking for you, crying and shouting in Spanish.
- You help me to realize that I will not leave my kids unsupervised in public settings to further embarrass me by throwing tantrums because I do not keep them near me. And that not seeing me will make them panic hysterically which will lead to public embarrassment on my part.

7. To the many friends on Facebook with incorrect spelling in your statuses.
- You help me to be always grateful for the sufficient education I had in English structure, composition and grammar.

8. To the 5'6'' guy who lives above and walks and stomps with heavy iron feet and makes odd noises during the night. Of late, you have decided to play with your bowling balls, steel chains and cement bricks when I'm trying to sleep.
- You help me to appreciate the fact that I will never live below someone like you again. Or maybe below anyone period.

9. To the person who writes with all CAPS on their Facebook, Twitter, [insert any social media network] constantly.
- You help me to be happy that I have a full, working keyboard and my CAPS button isn't stuck and also to remind me that I get pissed because I think you're always 'shouting' when you write and it helps me to control my anger...sometimes..

Aargh!

Well, these are all for now. Yet, the list shall be continued...

Kudos to you. Kudos to you all.

* swinger - someone who changes lanes erratically without any indication to drivers behind him

Honorable Mention

Douchebag 101

Thanks to the popularity of Jon Goss, Spencer Pratt and the now much loved "Jersey Shore" Boys, being a d-bag is becoming the cool and popular thing for some.

I mean what better way to become famous than acting like an arse, giving yourself a stupid name or names or being oblivious to how much of an arse you are. After all, it's all guido, baby! Welcome to your first session in Guidology: On Becoming A Douche.

While the term guido initially referred to Italian Americans who fell into both the working class and urban categories, anyone can become easily become guidosized. (see number 5 below).

As always, I try to help others in their quest for self-fulfillment and happiness. So, I've done some beneficial research (watched one and a half episodes of Jersey Shore - couldn't bear it any longer and consulted the almost-all-knowing Google).

To ensure that you stay with the in-crowd, here are a few helpful hints:

1. Wear Ed Hardy tees or super-small smedium shirts. As a matter of fact, it doesn't matter what brand too much as long as it's extra-extra-extra small.

2. Be severely chronically obsessed with going to the gym and working out. Or at least talking about going to the gym and working out. After all, this is the point of those tight shirts, to show off the muscles you've worked on for the last 6 minutes before looking at yourself in the mirror and flexing.

3. Constantly flex your muscles and let people know how "much" you work out.

4. Use/own/purchase immense quantities of hair styling products such as gel, mousse and holding spray.

5. Make up your own words. Shoot...make up your own language!

6. Reduce daily shaving till you have either a scruffy, goatee bearded look to match your scruffy look (the J Goss depends on which season of the show you happen to see or Spencer style) or primp and prep yourself in the mirror after applying spray-on tan, shaving, plucking, tweeking your facial hair to get the right "guido" look.

7. Think everyone is interested in what you are doing at all times. Then act as if you don't like all the attention when inside you skipping up and down like a fat kid locked in a Ben & Jerry's overnight by mistake.


And remember being a d-bag has its many benefits such as popularity, fame, sex appeal and ladies. However do remember, don't have one or more kids (especially 8) if you're not mature enough to be a father. Don't let your significant other do all those plastic surgeries. Lastly, don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Or whatever that catchy phrase actually means...

Aargh!



DISCLAIMER: Mark My Words, Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills, http://markthisup.blogspot.com does not hold itself liable for any disillusions of grandeur, failed dreams, broken promises, insults, ridicules, heckles, outright-in-your-face laughter, depression, sadness, illness or even death caused by trying to enhance, alter, improve one's image, character, sex appeal, fame, popularity by following the above posted rules of guidology and the end result is still as bad as the beginning. We admit that we may have misinterpreted the truth when we mentioned that everyone LOVES guidos/douchebags and that EVERYBODY was trying to become one.

Douchebag 101

Everything Sounds Better In Autotune

Gone are the good old days when everybody could sing and had real, natural talent. Or at least had the determination and effort to make sure their voice was sounding amazing on record or live.

American Idol Season 9 premieres tonight and with it comes the hopeful dreams of a few or the ludicrous dreams of many, many others. Sadly, most people watch the show just to see how bad some people are. You know, the wannabes or shower-stall singers who think of having their name in lights somewhere.

Unless there's a looney bin somewhere that list the names of the new incoming patients each week in bright yellow and green neon signs, then I'm not sure what lights they are referring to.

Really, MOST of these people can't sing, perform, or even speak properly. And that is why most people watch the show.

Not to mention that out of the 80 top ten finalists over the last eight seasons, most people can't name at least five or seven of them. I'm not a big fan obviously though watching Simon go through his usual bitch-fit, realist, sarcastic, burst-a-bubbly, in-yo-face routine is hilarious.

But who really needs real talent, voice lessons, singing coaches these days?! Enter from stage right...

** AUTOTUNE **

Making Stars Out Of Nobodys And Making Others Sound Good Circa 1997

I consulted the seemingly-all-knowing Google and found that Andy Hildeman, an Exxon engineer at the time, created it. Little did he probably realize how it would help to catapult, augment or aid the recording and live performance careers of many. This long short list (or long short list?!?) includes:

Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Cher, Garth Brooks, Janet Jackson, T-Pain (undeniably the most popular today), Akon (it's a given), The Black Eyed Peas, Kanye West, Mary J. Blige, Natasha Bedingfield, Sara Evans, Sean Kingston (obviously!), Lady Gaga, Rascal Flatts, Rihanna, Jay Sean (even when he sing-speaks his name in the intro, you can hear it), Britney Spears, Lil Wayne, many other unnamed artists, anybody who dreams of singing but can't

Even, Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta jumped on the bandwagon with her 'hit' single "Tardy For The Party (Pardy)". Though in hindsight, foreshight, retrospect and plain common sense, we all knew that she desparately needed autotune. Desperately.


So if you can't sing, don't let anyone tell you you can't.
As Pres. Obama, T-Pain, and Kim will tell you...
Yes You Can!! 

Aargh!

P.S. For longer list of artists who have used auto-tune, go here. AUTOTUNE LIVES!
P.S.S. To download/buy Kim's song for that friend of yours who's always making you late for the club on the weekends, go here. THIS SHI SONG IS ON AMAZON?!?

DISCLAIMER: Mark My Words, Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills, http://markthisup.blogspot.com does not hold itself liable for any disillusions of grandeur, failed dreams, broken promises, insults, ridicules, heckles, outright-in-your-face laughter, depression, sadness, illness or even death caused by trying to enhance, alter, improve one's non-singing or singing voice using any Autotune or pitch enhancement correction devices and the end result is still as bad as the beginning. We admit that even Autotune has its limits.

Everything Sounds Better In Autotune

#3...I Hate To Be That Person Who...

gets stopped randomly by TSA agents just as it's time to board the flight.

Especially if you get stuck with those agents who look at your photo with 'earnest' scrutiny, back up at you, and back down at your photo scowling while they're 'working'. It's a good thing that I love flying and even more I love safe flying. Yet...

I'd hate to be that person who is in the line behind someone who just got wrestled to the ground for forgetting to take their Mountain Dew 20oz which they had with their lunch out of their carry-on luggage. Especially if I just realized I also left my unfinished Fruit2day in my knapsack which is now going through the scanner. Dang.

I'd hate to be that person...well that kid...who was playing with his toy metal truck and stuck it up his butt by accident. I'd hate to remember my first airplane experience by remembering getting a full body cavity search by big, smiling men in uniforms.

I'd hate to be a good TSA agent (I've heard that they do exist and I'm a believer in them, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and T Woods' innocence) who gets only bad rap thanks to all the horrible ones. Especially since some names I've heard TSA agents called before are: Gestapo storm troopers, Totally Stupid A**holes, The Stupid Academy, Team Scare Away. Yeah, I'd hate to be that person.

Next time your about to board that flight to Hawaii or Boston and you encounter an agent who may be rude or unfriendly, be happy. Especially if they are giving you the "I Am A Hardworking Government Employee, Keeping You Safe, Which is Why I’m Glowering At You And At Your Photo” look.

Oh, I'd definitely hate to be that person on the "no-fly" or "watch" list. Especially if my name happens to be of a certain ethnic origin and someone just happens to discriminate against me like that. Like if my name was Kyle Bomberh or Ahmed Explosivich. But then again, I'd hate to be that person who let that Nigerian extremist suicide bomber on a flight to the US although he was on a terror list and although HIS FATHER called the embassy and told them that his son was a loco extremist.

What I'd hate to be most is the idiot who gets convinced that putting a bomb next to my baby-maker is the best and probably last decision I could ever make in my life. Even worse, I'd hate to be the guy who has to be left with a burned pecker, a lifetime in jail and a bombed pride due to failure.

Lastly, I'd hate to be that person who is a senior citizen, physically challenged and flying alone to visit my children or grandkids. Especially if you look too old to fly meaning you're probably trying to take your last flight. Especially if all you wanted was to see family and get one more chance in the mile-high club just like in the glory days.

Yeah, I'd sure hate to be any of these people.

Aargh!

#3...I Hate To Be That Person Who...

Shot From The Cannon v 0.2

Once again, these are all random, entertaining, crazy thoughts and questions running through the head of Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills on a Wednesday morning.

At the grocery, they asked me, "Paper or plastic?". I wondered, "Hmm...how about free groceries?!"

No, really. Where is Osama Bin Laden?

I wish I had a big cast-iron steel bumper on the back of my car that could extend 6 feet behind my car at the press of a button. That would show that tailgater who's all up in my exhaust pipe something!

Tiger Woods is the man! In golf! Regarding fidelity in marriage? He may be under par.

Can Twinkies really survive a nuclear blast? Or cockroaches?

Lopez Tonight seems to be actually be a good show so far...so far...

But that Tiny & Toya show...sigh...

2012. End or hpye?

The customer may not always be right, especially if he's trying to steal a pair of gloves.

Pinot Grigio.

I've yet to see chestnuts roasting on an open fire anywhere...

Next year, I'll wait to buy my Christmas decorations till after Christmas when they're dirt cheap!

Christmas rocks by the way!

Why do some people behave as though using a turn signal is rocket science? Or even 3rd grade science for that?

Strip clubs, bar, clubs and liquor shops are definitely recession-proof.

2010. It's about time.

End of recession next year? Probably not...

End of bad reality TV shows and acting next year? Probably not...

Just saw this Chuck Norris poster in a store a few days ago and got so geeked.

Stargate Universe.

Dwight from "The Office" is hands down the best character. Really.

New Year's Resolutions.

First one: Don't make any New Year's resolutions.

Reading my blog now actually is proven to give you 0.76 more cool points.

People who work in retail can be a tad bit OCD about their product displays.

Failed Christmas Toy idea for kids? "My Very First Meth Lab"

Second? "Build-A-Bomb"

Life without the internet does not exist.

Asswipe. Word coming out 3 yr-old kid in Toys-R-Us on Christmas Eve.

And back to reality...
Aargh!

Shot From The Cannon v 0.2

Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

Sometimes I wish for world peace. Sometimes I wish for four-day weekends for the whole year.

Sometimes I even wish for the winning lotto numbers. Other times I wish to send a strongly worded letter to AT&T telling them to relinquish their absolute rights and hold over the iPhone so I won't have to switch to AT&T to get one.

But I think one thing I wish for quite a lot is my very own dream highway.

There I'd be able to drive to my heart's content without having to curse some drivers in my head and make notes for my blog. Yes, I'd no longer have to rub my hands together in glee while moving my eyes back and forth with the same look that Gargamel has when he's plotting to catch a Smurf. Or chuckle with evil excitement as I think about how to berate them on my blog. Or do the evil villain laugh thinking of what they'll ever say if they ever read my blog.

As a matter of fact, I'd no longer have to even get mad after realizing that they will probably never actually read my blog.

Nonetheless, just like that1976 hit by the Eagles called "Life In The Fast Lane", here's what life in Dave's highway would be. And all the lanes would be fast. Faster than all these sponsors are dropping T Woods or faster than more 'ladies' are saying they too played with his 9-iron!

1. There would be a lane restricted totally to SUV/minivan drivers so they can drive how fast or slow or erratically they want.

2. You would have a special display screen on the back of your car with a keyboard or input panel on the steering wheel or dashboard. You'd then be able to send messages to the idiot behind you who is driving way too close or has his high beams on. This would be real handy at night!

3. There would be built-in sensors that record each time a driver switches lanes without using an indicator. A bill will be sent to their address at the end of each month. Or maybe perhaps send a small electrical shock to their seat each time would suffice.

4. There would also be automatic kill switches installed in vehicles. They would typically be activated when it's raining really heavily and someone insists on speeding in a non-approved vehicle. Especially one with bad tires, brakes, weight distribution etc.

5. Each car would have that cool jumping gadget thingie from the actual Speed Racer's car, the Mach 5. This way, I (or other inclined drivers) would easily be able to jump ahead of the car that always seems to like driving at 45 mph in the fast lane on the interstate.

6. There would be a voice in the car that shouts out, "Pay attention, dumbarse!". Especially if that person is not paying attention to the road and is oblivious to everything around them. Even more so if it's because they're blabbing away on the phone or texting.

So next time, you're getting annoyed or pissed on the highway, just close your eyes (not while driving) and imagine what it would be like to live life in the fast lane - Dave style. Until then, get home safely while arguing at all those nutheads on the road next to you.

Aargh!

P.S. Dave has received quite a bit of awards and will put them all up in subsequent posts. Humbled to know you all enjoy my words. Much thanks!

Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

Roll The Credits Already!

Yes I am one of those people. I pay my money to get my ticket stub at the cinema and watch the movie of my choice. But I am one of those persons. I stay till the end of the movie. But who doesn't do that? Unless it's a movie version of Heidi & Spencer's fascinating adventures and you just had to leave out of sheer boredom and go do something else.

No. I am one of those persons. I stay AFTER the end to see the credits roll up from the bottom of the screen all the way to the top. Yes, one of those persons. Why you may ask am I not filing out with the masses, leaving my empty popcorn bags and soda cups in the seat that was mine for the last hour and a half?

Simple. I like to see things to the end. It makes me feel good that the conclusion has occurred and I can even tell and see who has been responsible in the process. Yes, this is true with movies. However, this is not so true with talking to either douchebags, a-holes or helium-in-brain people. I'm thinking then how fast I can end that conversation. Roll the credits, already!!

These things however I would definitely like to see end soon or have been ecstatic to see a resolution at hand. If they were like a movie, I'd get up and leave after the intro and come back just to see the credits roll. Then for sure, I'd be rid of them. And I'd write a strongly worded letter to the producers threatening a massive boycott if any sequels should be created in the future.

And they are:

1. The Jon & Kate plus 8 plus drama plus nasty divorce plus kids being traumatized.

2. Most reality shows (Tiny & Toya, For The Love of Ray-J, Charm School, [insert any reality TV show here]). Especially the newer ones that have horrible grammar, sentence structure and overall speaking. And to round off the list is poor, substandard 'acting', which is bad even in terms of 'reality TV'...

3. Ed Hardy clothing being the 'cool' thing to wear. Crocs being fashion footwear. This is usually unacceptable unless you have company shares or really, genuinely like wearing them or you are in nursing or any profession that requires long standing on feet.

4. The steadily rise of these damn gas prices. Even more so, all these SUVs that use more gas than the rest of us and the women who drive them erratically on the street.

5. Everyone trying to get me to follow, friend, add them on every blimey social network and gadget that exists these days. Especially when I do and you don't reciprocate or at least leave a comment, message or something. Especially excessive blog pimping.

6. Terms or phrases with vague, often undecided or way too generalized, overused meanings. Examples are "swagger", "swag", "my haters", "popping", and "swell".

7. The recession and any semblance of it. Especially when people use it as a crotch to get out of everything even if they can afford to pay for something. Like Friday night out with the guys. And the same guy every time eats the most wings, drinks the most beer and chips in the least or none at all. His excuse, "It's a recession, man...". My answer in my head,"We need to recession your arse from our Friday night chilltime or you're wanton eating/drinking will put us all in a greater recession."

8. People saying that Macs don't crash or never get viruses. Especially when these same people ask me to borrow my laptop to get some work done since their Mac isn't working properly. Go ask the 'cool' looking guy from the Mac vs PC add for a new Mac. Lol.

9. All these Extenze ads that keep popping up in my inbox or on late-night television. Though they may say it is the gift that keeps on giving, I'll be happier if they give all that spam to someone else.

Roll credits, please...

Aargh!

P.S. Oh, and the list is way longer than this...but I'll tell more later...

Roll The Credits Already!

Rosetta Stoned

D'habitude je parle en francais...et... (Sometimes, I speak in french...and...)
Ich spreche Deutsch...(I speak German...a little...still at intermediate level)
Hablo un poco de espanol (Si, I do. I can get by in simple conversation)
Namda? (What?...Yes I'm am planning to learn Japanese officially but know a few words, phrases, meanings)

We've all seen or heard those ads for Rosetta Stone and its promises of having you speaking in another language. "Fastest way to learn a language. Guaranteed." is one of their marketing phrases. "Used by government agencies, Fortune 500 companies, diplomats..." is another. I do agree this is an amazing product and you should definitely invest in it. Especially if you're a world traveler like myself or a person who plans to some day. Or if you're in any of those or similar career fields mentioned above.

It is an investment that will pay off in time. Yet, you still got to have the money to cop it legally and it may be costly. And given the economy, we're always looking for ways to cut costs. 

Well! Today's your lucky day! After all, there must be other things around that will also probably guarantee to make you at least speak in another language, if not learn, just as quickly. In fact, probably quicker than these teenager girls were rushing to buy tickets to see New Moon when it came out.

Bonus! They're definitely loads cheaper compared to Rosetta Stone's software.

I have come up with a few situations/things I've observed and researched (consulted Google). So counting down in no particular order, they are:

6. Really great, exciting or shocking news. Examples: winning the lotto, getting engaged, getting a superb promotion
5. Confrontational situations. Examples: arguments, fender bender car accidents, fights
4. Mind-blowing passionate sex. Especially when orgasms are included.
3. Spiritual encounters in churches, mosques, temples with the divine.
2. Bad or shocking news. Usually displayed in form of short exclamations or phrases. Example: Dos Mios!

These are all good examples but the one that I've seen that works always is:

1. ALCOHOL. Especially tequila or B 151 or any strong rum. Any kind of alcohol as a matter of fact!

I like to call it Rosetta Stoned. When you're so tipsy or high off of booze or liqueur that you loose your damn mind and apparently grasp on the English language. I've seen this personally with a few friends of mine back in college. After a few swigs of the bottle and chugs on the hose, they became more fluent in a different language than Tiger Woods now appears to be fluent in pimping on the side. And leaving incriminating voice mail messages.

Who's dumb enough to do that anyway? Dave is a one-woman, monogamy machine but still for those who mingle with the mistresses, admittedly this is a highly dumb thing to do.

But yes, drinking can make you appear to talk in a different language even at a better quality than when you're sober. You're the star of the show and in the limelight. There you go, speaking French to the hot bartender. Or telling the dude in German what your idea of the after-party for two should be.

After all, one loses most inhibitions when intoxicated, feels more confident, pays less attention to grammar structure, verb construction and detail and is simply wasted. And don't forget you become way cooler, more popular, more interesting, more attractive than Jon Gosselin in his heyday. Ok, maybe Brad Pitt is a better example?

Nonetheless, a six-pack of Heineken or a bottle of Grey Goose is way less expensive than Rosetta Stone if you decide on this route. The perhaps "cooler, faster, cheaper, more hip and more fun" way as thought by some. I have also learned that the ethanol theory only works if you have a partial idea or contact exposure with the language. Like if you have at least been around or learned a fraction of it but still can't speak fluently. Then it's easier to go with the flow (or buzz) and talk as best as you can, substituting unknown words with even more unknown words.

Well, it's up to the brave, courageous ones to try this method willingly. Let me know how it goes. For the rest of us, it's back to the audio tapes, books, classes, homework lessons and immersion trips.

Bonne chance! Gambei!

Aargh!

P.S. Beware you don't pass out on the floor in your attempt to drink enough so you canspeak Italian to the hot chick in the red dress. It could happen....well the passing out part...and you may throw up too. Zero cool points. And besides, she may not understand a word you're saying because you're slobbering, slurring and let's face the fact, can't speak a lick of the language.

Rosetta Stoned

Dave's Guide To Proper Netiquette: The Blogger Version

So, I have followed up on the request of my fellow bloggers, elle and rucamosgirl. Their suggestions from a previously related post about the ALL CAPS syndrome made me do some more research and thinking about proper netiquette. Even more, I wanted it to be geared more towards us bloggers. After all, we wouldn't want to be that blogger who always sticks out like a sore thumb because of poor netiquette. Who would want to stick out as much as ex-CNN's Lou Dobbs probably would at an Immigration United Support meeting?

Hence, I've noticed and suggested some pointers that may help someone you know to become a better blogger. Also, hopefully we can end this ill together.

1. Writing relevant comments. The blog author and other dedicated readers/commenters can clearly tell if you've read the article or not. If you don't like the article, then it's fine. There may be other ones or even other blogs that you may like. Blogging is only half the task, the other part involves actually reading other people's blogs and commenting on them. After all, we all like a bit of support, praise and ego-pumping. Not only will you gain fellow support by doing this regularly and gain more blogger friends (as opposed to one-time hit commenters), but you will also be practicing proper netiquette.

2. Not using all caps ALL the time. Use when appropriate. For reference, see here.

3. Excessive blog-pimping is a no-no. Allowed on your own status or comments of friends who know or tolerate you. Writing it everywhere and joining every group to put your URL even though your blog is about cats and the group may be called "Bloggers Who Hate Cats and Cats Blogs" may be extremely annoying. Tied to #1. Believe, you and I and that person all want to get more readers who we can interact with, inspire, get comments from and entertain from article to article. But you don't want potential readers/followers/supporters/commenters to get turned off by seeing your link posted everywhere they click!

4. Check in on old friends (bloggers you first read and commented on or vice versa). The great thing about these blog networks are the connections you make. You don't want to be like Whitney Houston and be all cool with us like it's 1989 and then disappear some time after till a comeback in 2009. Try the Google reader too if you have it, it helps to keep you updated on blog updates. This makes it easier to go back and read and leave your words on an article.

5. TyPIng LiKe thIs iS UnACceptABle.  Not only is this pointless and makes you look like a retard, it's highly annoying. It's even more annoying than people posting their blog URLs everywhere. As a matter of fact, it's more annoying than typing in all caps. At least then, I can assume it's either stuck or you're angry (though it's still very irritating). Yet, typing like this is evident you're doing this on purpose. Hence, don't be surprised when you get less followers, readers, fans, friends, followers or the like. You're trying really hard to get attention just as hard as Ms. New York was trying to get into 'serious' acting after her stunt stint on Flava Flav's disastrous show. And boy was she trying. Thank God she and her awful spin-off show came to their senses.

6. Post URLs responsibly. This should be logical to most but the better (less annoying, greater display of proper netiquette) way to promote your blog is to join blog forums, category blog groups or other blogging networks that are created for that very purpose. The worse way is to post it every blimey place you can think about. For additional clarity, refer back to #3. If one does not heed to this, then in the words of the famous Mr.T, "I pity the fool!"

I have a dream...
That one day, all bloggers will be united in the quest for less annoying practices..
And we'll all better bloggers...

Until then, someone please tell _______ (fill in blank) if they are in fault of anything on this list.

Merci! Aargh!

Dave's Guide To Proper Netiquette: The Blogger Version

Baby's First Blog

So as I do every other day or so, I hit the "Next Blog" button on the Google dashboard above my blog's header. It's actually a great way to randomly find other blogs to read and comment on as well as a good way to possibly meet new bloggers. And hopefully, draw more traffic to your blog if you're interested in that...

Well, today was just one of those days. And firstly, I was glad that Google somehow heard my complaints. This time most of the blogs (more than 4/5) were in English. Yet this time I was still bothered! Instead of the results being random blogs in English like I wanted it to be, they seemed to be stuck in the same category as the first blog that I came across after leaving my site.

So, for five minutes I was lost all in travel blogs, then the next three minutes it was stirring around in all cooking blogs. I went back to my dashboard and started again, truly intent on finding some new blogs to read. This time, a family blog popped up. Well, rather a blog with dozens of pictures of someone's baby from every angle doing every possible thing from bathing to eating to sleeping to nursing. It creeped me out a bit I must admit.

Yet, what creeped me out even more was the fear that I was about to be stuck in another time warp of over-exposed and under-dressed kids, smiling moms and dads along for the ride. My scientific mind decided to do a statistical experiment to see how many I would come across before it stopped. Here are the results:

Overall Time Stuck In Family Blog Hel World: 28 minutes
Total Blogs Browsed: 123
Average Number of Blogs Browsed Per Minute: 4
Number of Female Authors: 119
Number of Male Authors: 4
Estimated Average Number of Pictures of Kids Per Blog: Error - Number Outside Count Range
Estimated Average Number of Pictures of Kids Per Article:8
Estimated Average Number of Inappropriate Pictures of Kids: Error - Way Too Effin Much!?!
Amount of Personal/Classified/Private Information Shared: Error - Way Too Effin Much!?!

Am I the only one who feels a bit uneasy about this? And imagine I'm not even the parents posting pictures,  names, birthdays, pictures of their houses both inside and outside, addresses etc. I'm mortified at the thought of how easy this could be accessed by the wrong person. On the news you see way too many instances of sick adults who indulge in even sicker pleasures that end up in innocent children being hurt. This is like leaving a kid in a candy store overnight with free access to everything (pun intended). It's all out there like Britney Spears' famous exiting-car-showing-vajajay shots or Spencer Pratt's lack of appeal/intelligence/charisma.

So, yes while I understand that you may be so proud of your newborn or offspring (which I congratulate and support), it may be true (gasp!) that not everyone may be as enthusiastic as you are. Obviously I'd expect family, close friends, and blogger with similar persuasions to be the ones you'd share these photos, smiles, laughter and moments with. Yet, always consider that leaving such a blog fully open and non-restricted may not always be a great idea. Way too many sickos and perverts out there. Try restricting the availability of your 'kid's' blog a bit to be safe.

This is one of the ills of the vastly extensive social networking capabilites of society today. Anybody and I mean anybody (sex offenders down the street, perps in jail) can network or blog. They can even use a fake name and profile. After all the milk cartons, child abduction reports, and ads in the newspaper scare me enough and I don't have a kid!

On a different note, some of these pictures are truly hilarious. Even funnier is the captions that some of these mothers put. Not only am I concerned that if these kids ever read this blog later when they grow up they may be scarred but that they may be pissed that whatever their mom wrote was definitely NOT what they were thinking at the time. Some captions were:

HOPPY WEEN (kid smiling in bunny costume for Halloween)
Bucket head (kid with bucket over head)
I like my ducky (slightly annoyed kid given a bath)I
I love when my mommy rubs soap on my head (same as above)
I made stinky! (child given a diaper change)
Nearly naked baby! (pretty much naked baby)
I came out of my mommy's tummy (child sleeping in crib)
I can't find my hand, mommy! (kid with hand in pants)

Another thing that may come off as slightly annoying to some is the obsession you may have with posting a picture of every single thing your child does, wears, eats. By all means, keep a great record that you can look back on and treasure. Though sometimes instead of sharing it with the World Wide Wackos, try a CD or photo album instead. Yay!

Now can the "Next Blog" button link me to a different category? Please?

Aargh!


P.S. In keeping with the data obtained from my research, I have included 8 baby pictures in this article. Though not all I think one would be happy to post online.

Disclaimer: Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills, Mark My Words and http://markthisup.blogspot.com in no way condones, tolerates, promotes, supports, encourages, advertises, justifies or endorses child pornography, adverse pedophiliac behavior, and/or the excessive and irresponsible posting of under-dressed, over-exposed children online.

Baby's First Blog

#2...I Hate To Be That Person Who...

orders a meal and then when it comes asks to get something else because that's not what he ordered. Though it is really what he ordered and he's just being a pain in the arse. Even worse. Imagine if it comes out of the new waitress' pay. I'd hate to be that waitress.

It's funny to always observe and experience how the waiter/waitress-customer dynamics changes depending on which restaurant you eat out or in at. Some places you know that the food is great but the service is bad. Yet at others, the food was so bad that you swore on your aunt's head that you'll never go back but the wait staff there made all the difference. It's as though you get the good with the bad. The yin with the yang. The Office with the Real Housewives of Atlanta (I'm yet to see them clean, cook or do any housewife stuff).

I'd hate to be that waiter who has to leave in five minutes or has to close that night. Especially when the drunk frat boys from the club up the street waltz in after the witching hour still drunk. And you're the one that has to wait their table. My blogger colleague, Nomad, from 365 Days of People spoke about a very similar situation and it is hilarious.

Actually, I think I'd also hate to be the person who gets stuck with the rude waitress. You know that person who comes to your table with the fake smile for two seconds or looks away pissed when you look at the menu? Or scowls when you ask for something else and angrily replies that it is not on the menu tonight?

Come to think of it, I'd hate to be that person who has to wait for ANY one to at least come to or recognize their table. This has been known to happen frequently at certain Waffle Houses and IHOP establishments. I'd hate to be the person who has to suffer this tragedy. What is even worse is the person who this message was intended for. Dang this sucks but at least the 'customers' (never actually got served or bought anything it seems) were creative and definitely got the message across.

Hmmm. I'd probably hate to be the person who had to clean that mess up and explain to the manager why the customer had to resort to writing this on the counter!

Yeah. I'd sure hate to be that person!



This has been a certified random thought process by the author, Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills. Feel free to post comments, opinions, similar stories, and/or suggestions below.

#2...I Hate To Be That Person Who...

Shot From The Cannon

So these are all random, entertaining, crazy thoughts and questions running through the head of Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills on a Tuesday evening.

Where did Beavis and Butthead go?

So, Facebook is telling me who to poke and to reconnect with these days? What next will they do, show me phone numbers of persons to call?

That dude yesterday needed a breath mint. Dang!

Was OJ really innocent? What about Bill Clinton?

Who is the real mastermind behind the all-knowing Google? Is there a Google religion by now?

Why is the theme song from "Who's The Boss" playing in my head? Where is Tony Danza these days?

As a matter of fact, where is and WHO the hell is this Carmen Sandeigo person I've heard about all my life?

Or, where is Osama Bin Laden? Is he real or fictional?

Cheesecake.

Enough with all this Jon & Kate rubbish everywhere on TV. Where's the real news?

I'm cooler than the underside of a pillow.

Family Guy and The Office are hilarious.

I hate pretty much all of these reality TV shows on TV these days. Who keeps making more of these horrible, crappy show ideas?

Chuck Norris is the man. I say so because I do not want to get a roundhouse kick to the head.

Peanut butter and jelly tastes better with a glass of milk.

Africa is not a country, SW. Stop saying it is.

If I had twitter, I would walk up to people and tell them "Follow me" or just say "@daveloosecannon". I saw this in one of my friend's notes on Facebook.

Spiderman underwear.

I wish I had a spaceship so I could fly up into space and get a section all for myself. That would truly be Myspace.

They call me the Loose Cannon because I'm liable to shoot any crazy thing out of my mouth at random.

This dude on Facebook says "Morning, tweople" everyday in his combined Facebook/Twitter status. I think it's retarded.

Twitter vs Facebook vs Myspace. Who wins?

ICQ vs Google Talk vs Yahoo Msgr vs MSM Msgr. Winner? Loser?

Kama Sutra is one of the coolest books ever. Period.

Reading my blog gives you 0.46 cool points each hour. It's true.

If you've got this far, then you can read the rest below. And your cool points are accumulating.

I love driving and have certain peeves about driving.

Why do people always feel uncomfortable with taking off their shoes in a friend's or stranger's apartment? Smelly feet?

Why was Smurfette the only Smurf in the Smurf village? Was this because of sexism, subtle prostitution or simple poor script writing?

Heavy rain really brings out the best and the worst drivers. Sigh.

Is the Captain in you?

Why when I click on "Next Blog", it shows me blogs in languages I don't speak? Is keeping it in English too much to ask? 

And back to reality....

Aargh!

Shot From The Cannon

I Hate To Be That Person Who...

 

sits at the window seat on the train or the plane. Granted it's a great view to watch the world zipping by at the speed of sound, but it often comes with a tiny yet annoying price.

One such case is when that person has to use the restroom so badly he feels like he's about to explode. But interestingly, they're 'stuck' by the window. As Nana would tell us back in the day,"When you need to pee, do it quickly". She always warned about the danger of our bellies bursting or our bladders not working. I never knew what a bladder was at 3 years old but I surely didn't want mine to stop working. I think this person in the window seat probably had a similar relative because it always seems as though you have to go right then and there.

Even more, I'd hate to be that person who has to then wake up or bother the other two or three people sitting next to him. And on top of it, they have to get up when he has to go AND to get up once more when he returns. Crazy, right?

What's even worse? Well, I'd hate to be that person who's in the restroom on the airplane during bad turbulence and gets the blue gel thing on their clothes. That would be really disgusting. No, actually having to ask the two people next to you to get up again while they cringe in disgust as your blue-looking Smurf self has to pass near to them. But thinking of it, I would not even like to be the person that has to keep on getting up every time nature calls you on speed dial.

Yeah. I'd sure hate to be that person!



This has been a certified random thought process by the author, Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills. Feel free to post comments, opinions, similar stories, and/or suggestions below.

I Hate To Be That Person Who...

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part II

And the list of costumes (for guys) to NOT wear if you plan on meeting any lovely ladies this Halloween continues. I know you think it may be cool and the idea sounded good with the guys while drinking last night but now that you're a bit more sober, let's stop and think. The plan is to go out and meet ladies not impress the stag team. Unless you're of that persuasion, which would then be different. However, if you're going to simply be the comedian of the party then by all means. But if not, then take heed...


1 The Drag Queen/Diva

This speaks for itself. I know it may be a blast in front the mirror or parading in front of the guys pretending to be Khloe Kardashian. But really?! Looking like the chick (a poorly dressed one most likely), will not get you the chick, dear boy..
Nope. Not at all. Zero cool points.



2 The Gynecologist

Although a well-respected and decent profession, ladies probably won't appreciate you walking up to them with stethoscope in one hand and a Cusco's self retaining bivalve vaginal speculum in the other telling them you're giving free check ups. This privacy and intimacy is often reserved for their personal doctor or person of their choice. Yes, and please don't call yourself Dr. Seymour Bush either. Please. Seriously. 


3 The Giant Feminine Product

Sigh. What can I really say about this. If you're moronic enough to think this is cool, sexy and charming, then by all means go ahead and test your 'scientific' experiment. Dumb ass. Certain ideas and costumes should be banned due to being plain stupid. This is clearly one. Why would a woman want to talk to a vagina that reminds her of those lovely days every month. Yeah. You're the man. And to think you will win the bet with your buddies for actually wearing this though you'll surely lose for the part about scoring with the girl.


4 The Morally Questionable Ill


No comment. Really. I don't think I should have to make one. If this is the first impression you want to give a lady, that there is some indication of some sick, twisted side of you that she has yet to meet, then carry on Father Pedophi and Mr. Gotewankar.


5 The [Any Other Medical Field Associated With Female Health] 

Luck may have it that you may be a second year medical student or veteran nurse. Shoot, even a licensed practicing physician. Still, this idea can still come off as tasteless. This costume also requires the right amount of charm, self-confidence, sex appeal and courage. Then again, being an actual doctor may help you after the initial introduction. Sadly, simply watching all the seasons of House, ER, Nurse Jackie et al may not.


Bonus

Mixing and matching may work sometimes. Not all the time. Definitely not in this case. Stop being cheap, go buy your own costume and most definitely STOP using your little brother's or son's costumes from years before.

Again, not sure about this one. Mixed reviews too. Same tactic applies: If you can pull it off, then go ahead. Expect any possible reaction though.








Happy hunting this Halloween...
Aargh!

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part II

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part I

Halloween's fast approaching. With it, comes either the confusion of what to wear or the excitement of putting on that fabulous get-up you got from the costume store downtown. Good thing it's a limited edition they told you. Sadly, don't be surprised when you see 12 other Lara Crofts, 10 Sarah Palins and 6 Edward Cullen outfits.

I've realized that females tend to look good no matter what costume they put on. It's the guys that tend to be hit-or-miss. And that wrong costume can have you out tricking with the kids in the alley while the right one can have you enjoying the treat. With so much variety out there, it seems that now it's hardly like for you to get a bad costume. But in actuality, the odds are only increased for you to pick a wrong one. And this post is really for the guys. I'm on the team so I have to give some helping hand or assist whenever I can. Besides, I've already got my perfect cheerleader so things are great on my end. But if you're looking to make the right connection at some fright night costume party this year, then you should make sure your costume is not 'cock blocking'.

If you dare to wear these costumes however, you're more likely to scare the girls OFF rather than attract them. There will be no attraction, attention or vibe between you and the ladies. Just like there's none between "Jay" and the top models doing a nude photo shoot (or any shoot for that matter) on ANTM. So beware, for these get-ups are certified girl-repellent!

1 The Jon Gosselin
All you need is a pair of diamond-studded earrings (clip-ons work too), Ed Hardy-esque tee, uber amount of gel to create spiky hair look (wig can be substituted), black sunglasses, khaki shorts that fall just below the knee or blue jeans, flip flops. Ladies will smell your commitment issues, marital trouble, and media-limelight-loving-though-stating-that-you-really-don't self afar off. Even more they'll frown on your overall lameness for wanting to party and be free while you have NOT 1, 2, or 4 but EIGHT kids to take care. If you can get some small kids who are trick-or-treating outside to follow you into the party and call you Daddy, then it's even more authentic. If they're Asian, kudos to you!

 2 The "Too-Cool-To-Wear-A-Costume-At-The-Costume-Party" Douche Bag
This is the guy who shows up at the costume party in jeans and a tee. Sans costume and yes and has the balls to say that his costume is Single Sexy Guy. No, lamo. The event clearly said, "No Costume, NO Entry." The fact that you were able to pass the bouncer in your Ed Hardy tee (who likes Ed Hardy wear anyway??), damaged jeans and Converse sneakers is not important. He probably thought you were dressed in a loser costume and let you pass. As a matter of fact, he's probably in costume pretending to be a bouncer if you do get in. Don't make the ladies pretend to be wearing a stupid costume when you tell them that your costume is sexy and expect them to believe you or take you seriously.

3 The Spencer Pratt

Accesories: Dark blazer, jeans or suit pants, open unbuttoned shirt (preferably white), possible armpit-looking hair on face (bushy, scruffy, unshaven, I'm-a-dude-from-the-Hills beard/face hair). Act like a douchebag and that everyone in party should know that you're famous and who you are.

4 The Heavenly Gift

Aah...We all know that you are God's gift to women but blatantly expressing this to every female in the party may be a bit crass. And you could at least try to be more original. And you'll need a good dose of class, bravado, balls, sex appeal, self-confidence and charm to actually make this work. Since that doesn't apply to the majority of guys, I'd suggest you play it safe.

5 The Gift Bearer

Similar to the God's Gift To Women outfit. Except you at least have some humility to accept that maybe ALL of you isn't really a gift at all. Although you agree that you're definitely not the total package, you still insist that this part of you is and that it somehow makes up for everything else. Including how really uncool you are.



Bonus

Not sure what side this lies on, good or bad. There are mixed reviews. Play it to caution. If you do, have the bravado, charm, charisma and sex appeal to back it up. A six pack and some days in the gym wouldn't hurt either. No one wants to see you (or those flabs) all bursting out the pizza box or what's left of it.



This one though...is DEAD WRONG!






Aargh!

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part I