Wednesday, January 6, 2010

#3...I Hate To Be That Person Who...

gets stopped randomly by TSA agents just as it's time to board the flight.



Especially if you get stuck with those agents who look at your photo with 'earnest' scrutiny, back up at you, and back down at your photo scowling while they're 'working'. It's a good thing that I love flying and even more I love safe flying. Yet...

I'd hate to be that person who is in the line behind someone who just got wrestled to the ground for forgetting to take their Mountain Dew 20oz which they had with their lunch out of their carry-on luggage. Especially if I just realized I also left my unfinished Fruit2day in my knapsack which is now going through the scanner. Dang.

I'd hate to be that person...well that kid...who was playing with his toy metal truck and stuck it up his butt by accident. I'd hate to remember my first airplane experience by remembering getting a full body cavity search by big, smiling men in uniforms.

I'd hate to be a good TSA agent (I've heard that they do exist and I'm a believer in them, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and T Woods' innocence) who gets only bad rap thanks to all the horrible ones. Especially since some names I've heard TSA agents called before are: Gestapo storm troopers, Totally Stupid A**holes, The Stupid Academy, Team Scare Away. Yeah, I'd hate to be that person.

Next time your about to board that flight to Hawaii or Boston and you encounter an agent who may be rude or unfriendly, be happy. Especially if they are giving you the "I Am A Hardworking Government Employee, Keeping You Safe, Which is Why I’m Glowering At You And At Your Photo” look.

Oh, I'd definitely hate to be that person on the "no-fly" or "watch" list. Especially if my name happens to be of a certain ethnic origin and someone just happens to discriminate against me like that. Like if my name was Kyle Bomberh or Ahmed Explosivich. But then again, I'd hate to be that person who let that Nigerian extremist suicide bomber on a flight to the US although he was on a terror list and although HIS FATHER called the embassy and told them that his son was a loco extremist.


What I'd hate to be most is the idiot who gets convinced that putting a bomb next to my baby-maker is the best and probably last decision I could ever make in my life. Even worse, I'd hate to be the guy who has to be left with a burned pecker, a lifetime in jail and a bombed pride due to failure.

Lastly, I'd hate to be that person who is a senior citizen, physically challenged and flying alone to visit my children or grandkids. Especially if you look too old to fly meaning you're probably trying to take your last flight. Especially if all you wanted was to see family and get one more chance in the mile-high club just like in the glory days.

Yeah, I'd sure hate to be any of these people.

Aargh!
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7 spoke already...add your 2¢:

Lisa said...

ahh, yes I'm quite familiar with all those TSA agents. Good thing small asian girls are not at the top of their "most dangerous" list. But then again , appearances can be deceiving. Next thing you know, terrorist groups will be hiring small asian girls simply because they're the last ones you'd suspect haha.

ale8oneboy said...

"My First Cavity Search" cracked me up. I haven't heard about this event.

Ashley @ Germato.com said...

I remember my least favorite encounter with airport security. I was leaving LA to come back home and was already in a sour mood that I was leaving. But I took every step that I was supposed to. Walked through the scanner with no problems. Collected my items and moved to a table at the end to get out of everyone's way while I put myself back together, thinking I was done.

In the middle of me putting a shoe on, with one leg up in the air, I was told not to move. Do not move an inch. I thought "She has to be fucking with me" and then see at least 10 people running towards me. Towards me turned out to be right past me and to some guy that looked homeless. Meanwhile, I'm wondering how long I can stand on one foot and if a guy is about to blow himself to pieces.

I never found out what he was doing that required me to stand like a flamingo for what felt like 10 minutes. But I like to think they just wanted to see my skills.

aimes said...

...good 'ole TSA. Welp, ever since this last incident with the Nigerian dude, I'm guessing those with hard to pronounce or unfamiliar last names (like myself) will be subject to the scrutiny you speak of.

---my new sarcastic blog buddy, (if you will!) found you on 20sb! Following! Check me out! :)

michelle said...

my brother has a theory about going through airport security - "look extra shady". somehow it works for him lol. but i do like the TSA. probably because they know i go through every security measure just for fun. i try new devices (the xray, the air puff thing, etc) even when the line is "closed". i'm totally nonthreatening because i'm such a nerd

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

>lisa: I agree. And everyone loves Asian girls too! So you'd definitely be okay at airports. Lol

>ale8oneboy: I imagine it can be quite the traumatic experience. Lol.

>ashley: Hmm. I'm interested in why they left you with your leg up for so long. I'm beginning to suspect a possible deviant pattern in some of these workers. Lol. They were probably estimating how limber and flexible you were.

>aimes: Perhaps. Lets hope your last name isn't Bomm or Seweyside. Lol

>michelle: Hmm. The extra shady approach sounds like a feasible plan.

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Ahmed Explosivich. Hilarious.

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