These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part II

And the list of costumes (for guys) to NOT wear if you plan on meeting any lovely ladies this Halloween continues. I know you think it may be cool and the idea sounded good with the guys while drinking last night but now that you're a bit more sober, let's stop and think. The plan is to go out and meet ladies not impress the stag team. Unless you're of that persuasion, which would then be different. However, if you're going to simply be the comedian of the party then by all means. But if not, then take heed...


1 The Drag Queen/Diva

This speaks for itself. I know it may be a blast in front the mirror or parading in front of the guys pretending to be Khloe Kardashian. But really?! Looking like the chick (a poorly dressed one most likely), will not get you the chick, dear boy..
Nope. Not at all. Zero cool points.



2 The Gynecologist

Although a well-respected and decent profession, ladies probably won't appreciate you walking up to them with stethoscope in one hand and a Cusco's self retaining bivalve vaginal speculum in the other telling them you're giving free check ups. This privacy and intimacy is often reserved for their personal doctor or person of their choice. Yes, and please don't call yourself Dr. Seymour Bush either. Please. Seriously. 


3 The Giant Feminine Product

Sigh. What can I really say about this. If you're moronic enough to think this is cool, sexy and charming, then by all means go ahead and test your 'scientific' experiment. Dumb ass. Certain ideas and costumes should be banned due to being plain stupid. This is clearly one. Why would a woman want to talk to a vagina that reminds her of those lovely days every month. Yeah. You're the man. And to think you will win the bet with your buddies for actually wearing this though you'll surely lose for the part about scoring with the girl.


4 The Morally Questionable Ill


No comment. Really. I don't think I should have to make one. If this is the first impression you want to give a lady, that there is some indication of some sick, twisted side of you that she has yet to meet, then carry on Father Pedophi and Mr. Gotewankar.


5 The [Any Other Medical Field Associated With Female Health] 

Luck may have it that you may be a second year medical student or veteran nurse. Shoot, even a licensed practicing physician. Still, this idea can still come off as tasteless. This costume also requires the right amount of charm, self-confidence, sex appeal and courage. Then again, being an actual doctor may help you after the initial introduction. Sadly, simply watching all the seasons of House, ER, Nurse Jackie et al may not.


Bonus

Mixing and matching may work sometimes. Not all the time. Definitely not in this case. Stop being cheap, go buy your own costume and most definitely STOP using your little brother's or son's costumes from years before.

Again, not sure about this one. Mixed reviews too. Same tactic applies: If you can pull it off, then go ahead. Expect any possible reaction though.








Happy hunting this Halloween...
Aargh!

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part II

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part I

Halloween's fast approaching. With it, comes either the confusion of what to wear or the excitement of putting on that fabulous get-up you got from the costume store downtown. Good thing it's a limited edition they told you. Sadly, don't be surprised when you see 12 other Lara Crofts, 10 Sarah Palins and 6 Edward Cullen outfits.

I've realized that females tend to look good no matter what costume they put on. It's the guys that tend to be hit-or-miss. And that wrong costume can have you out tricking with the kids in the alley while the right one can have you enjoying the treat. With so much variety out there, it seems that now it's hardly like for you to get a bad costume. But in actuality, the odds are only increased for you to pick a wrong one. And this post is really for the guys. I'm on the team so I have to give some helping hand or assist whenever I can. Besides, I've already got my perfect cheerleader so things are great on my end. But if you're looking to make the right connection at some fright night costume party this year, then you should make sure your costume is not 'cock blocking'.

If you dare to wear these costumes however, you're more likely to scare the girls OFF rather than attract them. There will be no attraction, attention or vibe between you and the ladies. Just like there's none between "Jay" and the top models doing a nude photo shoot (or any shoot for that matter) on ANTM. So beware, for these get-ups are certified girl-repellent!

1 The Jon Gosselin
All you need is a pair of diamond-studded earrings (clip-ons work too), Ed Hardy-esque tee, uber amount of gel to create spiky hair look (wig can be substituted), black sunglasses, khaki shorts that fall just below the knee or blue jeans, flip flops. Ladies will smell your commitment issues, marital trouble, and media-limelight-loving-though-stating-that-you-really-don't self afar off. Even more they'll frown on your overall lameness for wanting to party and be free while you have NOT 1, 2, or 4 but EIGHT kids to take care. If you can get some small kids who are trick-or-treating outside to follow you into the party and call you Daddy, then it's even more authentic. If they're Asian, kudos to you!

 2 The "Too-Cool-To-Wear-A-Costume-At-The-Costume-Party" Douche Bag
This is the guy who shows up at the costume party in jeans and a tee. Sans costume and yes and has the balls to say that his costume is Single Sexy Guy. No, lamo. The event clearly said, "No Costume, NO Entry." The fact that you were able to pass the bouncer in your Ed Hardy tee (who likes Ed Hardy wear anyway??), damaged jeans and Converse sneakers is not important. He probably thought you were dressed in a loser costume and let you pass. As a matter of fact, he's probably in costume pretending to be a bouncer if you do get in. Don't make the ladies pretend to be wearing a stupid costume when you tell them that your costume is sexy and expect them to believe you or take you seriously.

3 The Spencer Pratt

Accesories: Dark blazer, jeans or suit pants, open unbuttoned shirt (preferably white), possible armpit-looking hair on face (bushy, scruffy, unshaven, I'm-a-dude-from-the-Hills beard/face hair). Act like a douchebag and that everyone in party should know that you're famous and who you are.

4 The Heavenly Gift

Aah...We all know that you are God's gift to women but blatantly expressing this to every female in the party may be a bit crass. And you could at least try to be more original. And you'll need a good dose of class, bravado, balls, sex appeal, self-confidence and charm to actually make this work. Since that doesn't apply to the majority of guys, I'd suggest you play it safe.

5 The Gift Bearer

Similar to the God's Gift To Women outfit. Except you at least have some humility to accept that maybe ALL of you isn't really a gift at all. Although you agree that you're definitely not the total package, you still insist that this part of you is and that it somehow makes up for everything else. Including how really uncool you are.



Bonus

Not sure what side this lies on, good or bad. There are mixed reviews. Play it to caution. If you do, have the bravado, charm, charisma and sex appeal to back it up. A six pack and some days in the gym wouldn't hurt either. No one wants to see you (or those flabs) all bursting out the pizza box or what's left of it.



This one though...is DEAD WRONG!






Aargh!

These Costumes Scare The Ladies Away! Part I

The Samsung Camera Never Lies: "Mum's Pansies?!?"

It's Fall once more. Great. This means colder weather and football nights. It also means Halloween, costumes, Snuggies, frost and pumpkins. As expected, these pumpkin farmers will also be coming to 'town' to market their harvest.

See, Brenda, I told you selling pumpkins would pay off some day.

         I know, Bartholomew. I just wish that 'day' didn't last for about a month each year, dear. Sigh.

Along with these sellers often come unique, interesting signs. I've begun to notice them all over as I drive. I suddenly noticed a field of pumpkins growing out of the parking lot next to Walmart the other day. Then another one three miles away next to a Chick-Fil-A. More interesting than the display of pumpkins are the signs displayed to sell them.

The Samsung Camera Never Lies: "Mum's Pansies?!?"