Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

Sometimes I wish for world peace. Sometimes I wish for four-day weekends for the whole year.

Sometimes I even wish for the winning lotto numbers. Other times I wish to send a strongly worded letter to AT&T telling them to relinquish their absolute rights and hold over the iPhone so I won't have to switch to AT&T to get one.

But I think one thing I wish for quite a lot is my very own dream highway.

There I'd be able to drive to my heart's content without having to curse some drivers in my head and make notes for my blog. Yes, I'd no longer have to rub my hands together in glee while moving my eyes back and forth with the same look that Gargamel has when he's plotting to catch a Smurf. Or chuckle with evil excitement as I think about how to berate them on my blog. Or do the evil villain laugh thinking of what they'll ever say if they ever read my blog.

As a matter of fact, I'd no longer have to even get mad after realizing that they will probably never actually read my blog.

Nonetheless, just like that1976 hit by the Eagles called "Life In The Fast Lane", here's what life in Dave's highway would be. And all the lanes would be fast. Faster than all these sponsors are dropping T Woods or faster than more 'ladies' are saying they too played with his 9-iron!

1. There would be a lane restricted totally to SUV/minivan drivers so they can drive how fast or slow or erratically they want.

2. You would have a special display screen on the back of your car with a keyboard or input panel on the steering wheel or dashboard. You'd then be able to send messages to the idiot behind you who is driving way too close or has his high beams on. This would be real handy at night!

3. There would be built-in sensors that record each time a driver switches lanes without using an indicator. A bill will be sent to their address at the end of each month. Or maybe perhaps send a small electrical shock to their seat each time would suffice.

4. There would also be automatic kill switches installed in vehicles. They would typically be activated when it's raining really heavily and someone insists on speeding in a non-approved vehicle. Especially one with bad tires, brakes, weight distribution etc.

5. Each car would have that cool jumping gadget thingie from the actual Speed Racer's car, the Mach 5. This way, I (or other inclined drivers) would easily be able to jump ahead of the car that always seems to like driving at 45 mph in the fast lane on the interstate.

6. There would be a voice in the car that shouts out, "Pay attention, dumbarse!". Especially if that person is not paying attention to the road and is oblivious to everything around them. Even more so if it's because they're blabbing away on the phone or texting.

So next time, you're getting annoyed or pissed on the highway, just close your eyes (not while driving) and imagine what it would be like to live life in the fast lane - Dave style. Until then, get home safely while arguing at all those nutheads on the road next to you.

Aargh!

P.S. Dave has received quite a bit of awards and will put them all up in subsequent posts. Humbled to know you all enjoy my words. Much thanks!

Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

The Fast And Oblivious

(sung to tune of "Itsy Bitsy Spider")

Silly, speeding driver...on the interstate
Down came the rain and....now you may be late
So down goes the gas pedal...so you'll get there quick
Silly, speeding driver...the road is effin' slick!

Dang that blasted Peeve again! He's always up to no good it seems. Sigh. This pet Peeve of mine has yet another behavior that irks me. This particular one only seems to happen at certain times which is good. I think any more than this and I would probably lose my mind. People who speed when it's raining cats, dogs, cows and Fat Alberts out there make me furious. Especially when I'm on the highway.

(sung to tune of "Baa Baa Black Sheep")

Nascar Reject....what's with all the speed
Is there...a death wish.... to fulfill....you need
The road is wet...thanks to all the rain
That puddle on the side...can make you hydroplane
Nascar Reject...we share the road with you
But we won't mind...if...we'll never have to...

Now, I'm not talking about a-sun-shiny-day-sweeping-the-clouds-away-on-my-way-to-where-the-air-is-sweet-on-to-Sesame Street-where-it's-all-dandy day. And suddenly, a light sprinkle comes down and people start driving way BELOW the speed limit (40 mph last time I checked here). No, not this kind of day. This however, is another situation which is equally annoying.

Yet, the situation that really drives me crazy, mark my words, is when the heavens are letting loose all their fury on the earth and the speed demons decide to come out to play. The darkened skies and white sheets of rain already make it impossible to see the car in front of you or the lines on the highway. Shoot, even the front of your own car! Yet, these fools think it's fun and cool to switch lanes like the Geico gecko switches accents in every other commercial. Did anyone else notice that? Good thing, 15 seconds no (not or) more is all I can take of that little green twerp.

Anyway. I used to think it was okay for trucks to do it because I deduced that although they're heavier and have a larger momentum that they could still chance to speed up in the rain. The main factor here was probably that they have bigger tires with plenty more traction. And, I've always noticed that during heavy rain when mostly everyone else drives slow, truckers take the chance to overtake and pass traffic. Yeah. I believed this alright. Though, this was until I heard about an accident with a truck skidding on a highway during rain. Dang. And the driver was going over the speed limit too.

But those sedans and even SUVs that are always determined to speed past me when everyone else is trying to drive cautiously (at least until the rain subsides) annoy the rational thinking out of me. I wonder if it's wrong that a part of me sometimes wishes that they skid off the highway (accident-free of course!) and then, their car gets stuck there till the rain stops. Speeding while the rain is gushing down will definitely get you on TruTV along with those idiots in the police car chases. If you're lucky you might make it to the fame level of Jackass TV - which is undeniably one of the best shows ever made on Earth and which has won so many awards for its creativity, family-oriented humor and....Okay, I could only BS so long. It's a dumb show that should never see the light of day ever again. Or any of the gasp! movies that were made of that show. Just as dumb are those who speed in this manner in this specific situation.

It doesn't matter if you just bought the new Michelin or Firestone tires with the double-threaded interlocking traction and channeled grooves to direct water away from the surface contact of the tire with the road. Others around you are driving slowly and you trying to speed only helps to further disrupt the already molasses-motion traffic. Yes, you in that white Ford Explorer. I can hardly see with all this rain but I can clearly see you're driving like an arse and you swerving too. That's not okay. Zero cool points.


Hopefully as winter approaches, there will be less rain as the place gets colder. One thing in my opinion that is even dumber and certainly more stupid than speeding in the heavy rain is speeding on the slick, partially frozen, somewhat iced highway. That will truly be a case of the fast, oblivious and ridiculous (depending on how it turns out perhaps even hilarious or notorious). But, I'm sure if I keep my eyes open that I'll be sure to see even this...

It might even end up an installment in the "Samsung Camera Never Lies" series! We'll see...

Aargh!

P.S. Google research (most credible source in the universe) suggests driving with shades on during heavy rain to see more clearly. No lie. Seems to confirmed by some men in blue and you know the cops never lie. Try it next time, it's crying a river while you're on the black carpet...

The Fast And Oblivious

Stupid Useless Vehicles?!?

Ok, so I realized that some of you may have gotten the trailer preview to this blog earlier today. Talk about creating buzz. Lol. Here's the full release!

Note to self: Make sure to NOT press ENTER while drafting without checking first to see which button on the screen is highlighted.

I think I have a love-hate, no actually, hate-hate relationship with SUVs and to some extent minivans. Everyone who knows me has at least heard me speak of these monstrous, absurd vehicles at least once a week. SUVs are also called 4x4s, off-road vehicles, or four-wheel drives. Yet, they still can be classified as deadly weapons in the hands of most who use them. I have to share the road with them every day. Picture shown is first Russian SUV, perhaps even first SUV ever. It looks like a tank. I think this is what some people think they are driving when they are on the road. Such is my luck.

I began seeking answers in the all-knowing Google to find statistics and to see if I was a bit anal. Do other people feel the same way I do? Interestingly, I wasn't alone in my plight. Other drivers had suffered the fate of the big-vehicle-driving, aggressively-at-times-speeding, often-oblivious-to-others, typically-small-framed-female driver. I do believe these women undergo a transformation after entering these bigger vehicles. Who knows where the blame lies? Perhaps the roar and power of the engine hiding under the hood? The feel of freedom to wreak havoc and carnage to zip around the highway?

I'm always mortified when I'm approaching a traffic jam and then have to speed up a bit because some SUV behind is approaching at a rapid rate. Even worse when the owner doesn't appear to be interested in slowing down anytime soon. Don't they know due to physics and inertia, that their bigger hunk of metal and gears will take a lower time to slow down or that their braking reaction time will be slower? Interestingly based upon my mental survey and records that ends up usually being a 'she' more than a 'he'. Since I do drive a lot, I consider my somewhat of a growing expert on highway usage and driver profiles.

I tend to observe that men drive more sedans, trucks, and 18-wheelers. Women tend to drive more SUVs, Jeeps, and minivans. Obviously, this is no rule just a simply detailed observation. There are the dreaded male SUV drivers who perhaps got stuck with their wife's car because their car was in the shop. Or even had to use the minivan that day to pick up the kids from soccer practice because Mom already had her Botox appointment scheduled that day for weeks now.

I admit that these vehicles may not be totally useless and may come in handy at certain times. They offer varied uses such as carpooling noisy kids or coworkers, driving through rivers and floods, going on off-road adventures, towing U-Haul hitches, and helping me move stuff between my dorm and storage during college. Thanks B! Sadly, I do not think any of these uses involves modern mobile assault vehicle. These things are more dangerous than Holly Montag, some Peach Snaps, two martinis and recording cameras, AND a car all mixed together like one big potluck (maybe bad luck) dinner.

So, I ran across this amusing yet accurate song that was actually recorded and released. It's call "90 Pound Suburban Housewife Drivin' Her S.U.V.". It's hilarious and made me laugh and think that, "Yes, this so sounds familiar." Here's a sample from the official 90 Pound SUV site. And here are some lyrics for the song.

CHORUS
90 pound suburban housewife
Drivin' in her SUV
Talkin' on her cell phone
Oblivious to you and me
Kids in the back seat watchin' the
little T.V.
She's a 90 pound suburban housewife
driving in her SUV.

VERSE
She may be your neighbor
She may be your wife
She may be your mother for the
rest of your life
But one thing's for certain, I think
you'll all agree
With tons of steel and 4 big wheels
She'll be drivin' like an S.O.B.

So far, research shows that women tend to buy compact SUVs while men favor luxury SUVs. The presence of kids, family influences the possibility of buying, owning and driving an SUV. I found out that married couples with kids tend to be the majority in the SUV market. Thanks to the dying economy and stupidly high oil prices, their popularity declined in the late 1990s and early 200s. Also playing the roles of sidekicks were/are global warming and its hype man, Green Peace. And people say environmentalists make senseless and are good for nothing. I disagree.

I have so much more 'good' stuff to say about SUVs but this needs a second post which I will do. What I've realized is that it's a case of Pinocchio and master. I blame not so much the vehicles for their destruction but more the people behind the wheel. And it is true, the stereotypes in this case do seem to hold out.

Quick follow-up preview of my list:

1. Blatant abuse of parking spaces. Always park over the line and even take up two spaces.
I have seen a few dents in my car placed at a height that I know was caused from the SUV that was parked next to me when I got there.

2. Swerve in and out of lanes due to sheer massive size

3. Drivers think they are in sedans or sport cars. Tend to block the fast lane by driving slow. Note: They think they are going fast but due to inertia it takes them just as long to speed up as it takes them to brake.

Stay tuned. Aargh!

Stupid Useless Vehicles?!?

Licensed To Drive Me Insane

As I've said in previous articles, I like love to drive! It's interesting to observe the different types of personalities behind the wheel of cars that you interact with on the roads. I think it's funny too how the highway is like a microcosm of society. You have the flashy show-off types, the introverts, the relaxed ones and so on and so on.

A short while ago, I was looking at a CNN live coverage of an ongoing high speed pursuit in Dallas County, TX. The suspect was driving (well is, it's still occurring as I type) a gray Ford F-150 pickup truck and was being followed by about 8 to 9 police cars. Apparently, the suspect tried to flee a gas station without paying and was wanted for subsequent assault on a police chief as well. Sigh! The economy seems to be wreaking more havoc on some people than everyone else.

Yet, something else was rather funny and interesting to me. I wondered what random stuff could be going on through the mind of someone in that situation. Are they listening to their favorite jams on some CD? Or listening to the midday music beat on someone's WZTF 95.1 FM radio channel? Hmmm...what if they're listening to the news coverage of their own chase and smiling in glee?

Licensed To Drive Me Insane

The Samsung Camera Never Lies: "Mini Me Monster Truck"

It's not everyday you get to see this on the highway, I tell you. It seems I'm getting luckier every day too. Who would imagine? A midget monster truck, equipped with 'big wheels' and all!

Cars do come in all shapes and sizes. Then again, I'm in one of Nascar Meccas - North Carolina. People sure do love their cars and racing and driving here. I've never been a big fan myself except for my own 'pro-racing' circuit when I'm trying to switch lanes on the interstate or get around a slower driver than myself.

The Samsung Camera Never Lies: "Mini Me Monster Truck"

The Samsung Camera Never Lies: "Clown Car"

I haven't been to the circus since I was a little kid but seeing this sure brought back some memories.

I never got the chance to see a clown car or real clowns except on TV.

Who knew my luck would let me see a real-life clown car ON the highway?

I was disappointed when I didn’t see about 12 clowns in the window when I passed the car effortlessly yet I was still very much amused. If only you could have seen the big, strapping guy all choked up in the driver’s seat.

The Samsung Camera Never Lies: "Clown Car"

Look Out! It's Ms. Daisy Driving Herself!

Man, I love driving. It feels good to sometimes just let your mind wander a bit as your eyes look ahead and try to figure out what each custom plate in front of you says. To feel the power of the engine as you occasionally press down on the accelerator. I guess we all do, those who DRIVE of course!

Face it - once you start driving you become hooked for life on the freedom you earn. Still, there are some of us prefer also to be driven which gives one more time to gaze, figure out license tags, count the passing poles or mile markers or adjust the radio. This is still very enjoyable by all means. Some of us however defy the call to retire the car keys to a younger loved one and still heed the call of the wild, black carpet we call the highway.

One often finds such a person coming from the Nascar Granny Club as one person called it - the Ms. Daisy-Drives-Herself-Often-To-The-Detriment-And-Annoyance-Of-Other-Motorists posse!

Look Out! It's Ms. Daisy Driving Herself!

Speed Racer Moron

So I'm cruising down the highway at the posted speed limit which is about 65 mph. I'm enjoying the nice afternoon, got the windows down, the breeze feels good and helps to balance the warm sun shining generously on my skin. It's just about 4.15 pm and the rush-hour traffic has already started. I'm in the slower lane on the right side of the highway with my fellow motorists who enjoy taking their time to get home like I do, perhaps after their busy days.

All of a sudden, I look in my rear-view mirror and who should I see? None other than Speed Racer Moron who is either hurrying to Nascar or definitely took a wrong left turn and ended up on the interstate.

Speed Racer Moron