Sunday, December 13, 2009

Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

Sometimes I wish for world peace. Sometimes I wish for four-day weekends for the whole year.

Sometimes I even wish for the winning lotto numbers. Other times I wish to send a strongly worded letter to AT&T telling them to relinquish their absolute rights and hold over the iPhone so I won't have to switch to AT&T to get one.

But I think one thing I wish for quite a lot is my very own dream highway.

There I'd be able to drive to my heart's content without having to curse some drivers in my head and make notes for my blog. Yes, I'd no longer have to rub my hands together in glee while moving my eyes back and forth with the same look that Gargamel has when he's plotting to catch a Smurf. Or chuckle with evil excitement as I think about how to berate them on my blog. Or do the evil villain laugh thinking of what they'll ever say if they ever read my blog.

As a matter of fact, I'd no longer have to even get mad after realizing that they will probably never actually read my blog.

Nonetheless, just like that1976 hit by the Eagles called "Life In The Fast Lane", here's what life in Dave's highway would be. And all the lanes would be fast. Faster than all these sponsors are dropping T Woods or faster than more 'ladies' are saying they too played with his 9-iron!

1. There would be a lane restricted totally to SUV/minivan drivers so they can drive how fast or slow or erratically they want.

2. You would have a special display screen on the back of your car with a keyboard or input panel on the steering wheel or dashboard. You'd then be able to send messages to the idiot behind you who is driving way too close or has his high beams on. This would be real handy at night!

3. There would be built-in sensors that record each time a driver switches lanes without using an indicator. A bill will be sent to their address at the end of each month. Or maybe perhaps send a small electrical shock to their seat each time would suffice.

4. There would also be automatic kill switches installed in vehicles. They would typically be activated when it's raining really heavily and someone insists on speeding in a non-approved vehicle. Especially one with bad tires, brakes, weight distribution etc.

5. Each car would have that cool jumping gadget thingie from the actual Speed Racer's car, the Mach 5. This way, I (or other inclined drivers) would easily be able to jump ahead of the car that always seems to like driving at 45 mph in the fast lane on the interstate.

6. There would be a voice in the car that shouts out, "Pay attention, dumbarse!". Especially if that person is not paying attention to the road and is oblivious to everything around them. Even more so if it's because they're blabbing away on the phone or texting.

So next time, you're getting annoyed or pissed on the highway, just close your eyes (not while driving) and imagine what it would be like to live life in the fast lane - Dave style. Until then, get home safely while arguing at all those nutheads on the road next to you.


P.S. Dave has received quite a bit of awards and will put them all up in subsequent posts. Humbled to know you all enjoy my words. Much thanks!

8 spoke already...add your 2¢:

michelle said...

LOL i was just saying over the weekend how much i would love to have a keyboard in my steering wheel. it would take some time to adjust to typing, but i think the benefit outweighs the cost... hmmm would it be appropriate then to type in all caps?... i also think the butt shock would be more effective than a monthly penalty. the shocks should also increase in intensity as subsequent infractions occur :)

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Great ideas, Dave. Love the electro-shock thing.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn’t these ideas if implemented make life just so much easier! Love number 5; I would be the happiest person alive if this was possible. I’ve thought many times “if I had a monster truck I would seriously drive over you” Driving: the fastest way to ruin a great mood.

the.kisser said...

LOL...loved it! i would defin want the keypad in my steering wheel, but i would send nasty memos..thehehehe


Fay said...

I think that this post managed to voice my dreams! Number 5 and 6 are particular pet peeves.

I will remember this the next time that I'm tempted to scream in the car!

LiLu said...

I don't even DRIVE and I know this is genius. ;-)

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