Honorable Mention

To those who've made this list, I say kudos to you! Well done...
You help my day in some way by allowing me to express some emotion in one way or the other...

1. The swerving driver in front of me.
- You help me to maintain my agility and short-response reflexes while sharpening my multi-tasking skills while I express myself vocally at you.

2. The post-editing crew that uploads probably illegal footage from shows, productions to YouTube.
- You help me (probably at the subsequent loss of your job) to have a laugh a day which is truly good medicine.

3. The idiot in front of me that likes to change lanes without using your blinker. I also call you swinger*.
- You help me to practice, hone and sharpen my telepathy skills since I have to effin' deduce that you suddenly want to come in front of me.

4. The lady who forgot to pick up your dog's poop near my apartment last Saturday.
- You help me to remember what a great sense of smell I have when I have to pass and smell your dog's ish every day this week on my way to my door.

5. The little kid who is running around in WalMart (I shop there a lot) looking for his mother, crying and shouting in Spanish.
- You help me to realize that I will train my kids to be behaved in public and stop throwing tantrums if I'm right there in the aisle looking at you.

6. To the mother of the little kid running around in WalMart who is looking for you, crying and shouting in Spanish.
- You help me to realize that I will not leave my kids unsupervised in public settings to further embarrass me by throwing tantrums because I do not keep them near me. And that not seeing me will make them panic hysterically which will lead to public embarrassment on my part.

7. To the many friends on Facebook with incorrect spelling in your statuses.
- You help me to be always grateful for the sufficient education I had in English structure, composition and grammar.

8. To the 5'6'' guy who lives above and walks and stomps with heavy iron feet and makes odd noises during the night. Of late, you have decided to play with your bowling balls, steel chains and cement bricks when I'm trying to sleep.
- You help me to appreciate the fact that I will never live below someone like you again. Or maybe below anyone period.

9. To the person who writes with all CAPS on their Facebook, Twitter, [insert any social media network] constantly.
- You help me to be happy that I have a full, working keyboard and my CAPS button isn't stuck and also to remind me that I get pissed because I think you're always 'shouting' when you write and it helps me to control my anger...sometimes..

Aargh!

Well, these are all for now. Yet, the list shall be continued...

Kudos to you. Kudos to you all.

* swinger - someone who changes lanes erratically without any indication to drivers behind him

Honorable Mention

Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

Sometimes I wish for world peace. Sometimes I wish for four-day weekends for the whole year.

Sometimes I even wish for the winning lotto numbers. Other times I wish to send a strongly worded letter to AT&T telling them to relinquish their absolute rights and hold over the iPhone so I won't have to switch to AT&T to get one.

But I think one thing I wish for quite a lot is my very own dream highway.

There I'd be able to drive to my heart's content without having to curse some drivers in my head and make notes for my blog. Yes, I'd no longer have to rub my hands together in glee while moving my eyes back and forth with the same look that Gargamel has when he's plotting to catch a Smurf. Or chuckle with evil excitement as I think about how to berate them on my blog. Or do the evil villain laugh thinking of what they'll ever say if they ever read my blog.

As a matter of fact, I'd no longer have to even get mad after realizing that they will probably never actually read my blog.

Nonetheless, just like that1976 hit by the Eagles called "Life In The Fast Lane", here's what life in Dave's highway would be. And all the lanes would be fast. Faster than all these sponsors are dropping T Woods or faster than more 'ladies' are saying they too played with his 9-iron!

1. There would be a lane restricted totally to SUV/minivan drivers so they can drive how fast or slow or erratically they want.

2. You would have a special display screen on the back of your car with a keyboard or input panel on the steering wheel or dashboard. You'd then be able to send messages to the idiot behind you who is driving way too close or has his high beams on. This would be real handy at night!

3. There would be built-in sensors that record each time a driver switches lanes without using an indicator. A bill will be sent to their address at the end of each month. Or maybe perhaps send a small electrical shock to their seat each time would suffice.

4. There would also be automatic kill switches installed in vehicles. They would typically be activated when it's raining really heavily and someone insists on speeding in a non-approved vehicle. Especially one with bad tires, brakes, weight distribution etc.

5. Each car would have that cool jumping gadget thingie from the actual Speed Racer's car, the Mach 5. This way, I (or other inclined drivers) would easily be able to jump ahead of the car that always seems to like driving at 45 mph in the fast lane on the interstate.

6. There would be a voice in the car that shouts out, "Pay attention, dumbarse!". Especially if that person is not paying attention to the road and is oblivious to everything around them. Even more so if it's because they're blabbing away on the phone or texting.

So next time, you're getting annoyed or pissed on the highway, just close your eyes (not while driving) and imagine what it would be like to live life in the fast lane - Dave style. Until then, get home safely while arguing at all those nutheads on the road next to you.

Aargh!

P.S. Dave has received quite a bit of awards and will put them all up in subsequent posts. Humbled to know you all enjoy my words. Much thanks!

Life In The Fast Lane On Dave's Highway

Dave's Guide To Proper Netiquette: The Blogger Version

So, I have followed up on the request of my fellow bloggers, elle and rucamosgirl. Their suggestions from a previously related post about the ALL CAPS syndrome made me do some more research and thinking about proper netiquette. Even more, I wanted it to be geared more towards us bloggers. After all, we wouldn't want to be that blogger who always sticks out like a sore thumb because of poor netiquette. Who would want to stick out as much as ex-CNN's Lou Dobbs probably would at an Immigration United Support meeting?

Hence, I've noticed and suggested some pointers that may help someone you know to become a better blogger. Also, hopefully we can end this ill together.

1. Writing relevant comments. The blog author and other dedicated readers/commenters can clearly tell if you've read the article or not. If you don't like the article, then it's fine. There may be other ones or even other blogs that you may like. Blogging is only half the task, the other part involves actually reading other people's blogs and commenting on them. After all, we all like a bit of support, praise and ego-pumping. Not only will you gain fellow support by doing this regularly and gain more blogger friends (as opposed to one-time hit commenters), but you will also be practicing proper netiquette.

2. Not using all caps ALL the time. Use when appropriate. For reference, see here.

3. Excessive blog-pimping is a no-no. Allowed on your own status or comments of friends who know or tolerate you. Writing it everywhere and joining every group to put your URL even though your blog is about cats and the group may be called "Bloggers Who Hate Cats and Cats Blogs" may be extremely annoying. Tied to #1. Believe, you and I and that person all want to get more readers who we can interact with, inspire, get comments from and entertain from article to article. But you don't want potential readers/followers/supporters/commenters to get turned off by seeing your link posted everywhere they click!

4. Check in on old friends (bloggers you first read and commented on or vice versa). The great thing about these blog networks are the connections you make. You don't want to be like Whitney Houston and be all cool with us like it's 1989 and then disappear some time after till a comeback in 2009. Try the Google reader too if you have it, it helps to keep you updated on blog updates. This makes it easier to go back and read and leave your words on an article.

5. TyPIng LiKe thIs iS UnACceptABle.  Not only is this pointless and makes you look like a retard, it's highly annoying. It's even more annoying than people posting their blog URLs everywhere. As a matter of fact, it's more annoying than typing in all caps. At least then, I can assume it's either stuck or you're angry (though it's still very irritating). Yet, typing like this is evident you're doing this on purpose. Hence, don't be surprised when you get less followers, readers, fans, friends, followers or the like. You're trying really hard to get attention just as hard as Ms. New York was trying to get into 'serious' acting after her stunt stint on Flava Flav's disastrous show. And boy was she trying. Thank God she and her awful spin-off show came to their senses.

6. Post URLs responsibly. This should be logical to most but the better (less annoying, greater display of proper netiquette) way to promote your blog is to join blog forums, category blog groups or other blogging networks that are created for that very purpose. The worse way is to post it every blimey place you can think about. For additional clarity, refer back to #3. If one does not heed to this, then in the words of the famous Mr.T, "I pity the fool!"

I have a dream...
That one day, all bloggers will be united in the quest for less annoying practices..
And we'll all better bloggers...

Until then, someone please tell _______ (fill in blank) if they are in fault of anything on this list.

Merci! Aargh!

Dave's Guide To Proper Netiquette: The Blogger Version

THIS SHOUT OUT GOES OUT TO...

EVERYONE WHO HAS A MALFUNCTIONING CAPS LOCK BUTTON OR SIMPLY DECIDED TO LEAVE IT ON WHILE TYPING EVERYTHING ONLINE! YAY!

Aah....

If you're like me, then that was probably annoying to see all those caps. I think this is one of the most obnoxious, rude and improper things regarding netiquette. For the others, netiquette (code word for internet etiquette) simply refers to the unwritten, understood proper rules, protocol and manners employed when engaged in online communication.

Didn't it make you feel like I was shouting at you or that I was on top of Oprah's famous sofa jumping up and down and screaming at you at the top of my lungs as you sat confused in the seat next to me?

If you haven't marked my words before, then you probably won't be familiar with Peeve, that dang pet of mine. He's notorious for his tricks and shenanigans. Though he may make me laugh sometimes, at others it's downright annoying. I also have said before that Peeve seems to have magical powers of transference and can make other people, even random strangers, pick up and follow his infuriating examples and behavior. This is yet another one. I think Peeve is making certain people type in CAPS LOCK. I don't know which is worse, Peeve or all these silly new reality shows some moron producer is being paid to dream up while he's in the toilet. Because, that's whey they belong and should stay. Yet, they keep trying to take them straight out of the crapper and put in on TV. Anyway, more about that in a later post.

What if I started to just suddENLY TYPE EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS? BOY, HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?!? WILL THAT MAKE YOU FRUSTRATED OR ANNOYED?!

What if every time you saw me type it WAS ALL IN CAPS LIKE THIS? I DOUBT THAT YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THAT VERY MUCH! CAN YOU IMAGINE A WHOLE POST LIKE THIS. I WOULD LOSE THE FAITHFUL READERS I HAVE...

The only times caps are acceptable, in my opinion:

1 If you're typing a heading or making a strong emphasis on a word or phrase.

2 If you're involved in a heated web argument and there's a lot of  'web shouting' taking place.

3 If you're Billy Mays (RIP) and you're typing the script for an upcoming infomercial. He was 'lovingly' known as the only person who spoke in all caps verbally and constantly. Man, that dude used to shout the whole time during those ads. Talk about not using his inside voice ever!

Places where leaving your CAPS LOCK button on is not accepted or cool:

1 Your Facebook status, Twitter updates, Myspace status, all chat windows during regular conversation (MSN, Yahoo, Google Talk, AIM, all the rest) and text messages.

2 Throughout the entirety of official letters, publications, message conversation and the list goes on. Did you hear about the woman who got fired for doing EXACTLY that? This is a recession and we need to keep our jobs.

3 Anywhere else online. Period. Zero cool points.

I am about to start a petition for BANNING IMPROPER USAGE OF CAPS LOCK. See there, it was used correctly. How hard was that, luvlee64? Or broman945@aol.com? I haven't forgotten you on Facebook, Amber W.? A fund would be started to provide proper training in the correct way and Chuck Norris is responsible for dealing with all those who break this law. I'm sorry for their heads. We would also be hiring Ving Rhames because he's just an angry-looking, big, bad mofo. He too is the man.

I leave you with a few people who can use all caps and get away with it:

1 Chuck Norris (I dare you to tell him not to)

2 Ving Rhames (Ditto)

3 Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag (may not know where to find the button)

4 Spencer Pratt (seeking attention and hoping all caps speech and text will help)

5 Peter Griffin, Family Guy (we know he's quite the retarded one)

6 Catherine Zeta Jones, Halle Berry (she can do no wrong by us)

7 Blind persons (I dare you to close your eyes and try to type. They do the best they can. God bless their hearts. We love them)

8 Elderly folk (They may not know better)

9 The cute chick/guy you met at the club earlier and know you're drunk texting/messaging them

10 Oprah (she can afford to)


Will someone please end this epidemic? Aargh!

P.S. For further endorsed amusement, go here. Not for minors, faint of heart. Guaranteed hilarious though.

Mark My Words, Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills and http://markthisup.blogspot.com does not guarantee that all the promises made there will come true. Results vary by person, belief, level of stupidi intelligence, age and type of CAPS LOCK button used.

THIS SHOUT OUT GOES OUT TO...

The Fast And Oblivious

(sung to tune of "Itsy Bitsy Spider")

Silly, speeding driver...on the interstate
Down came the rain and....now you may be late
So down goes the gas pedal...so you'll get there quick
Silly, speeding driver...the road is effin' slick!

Dang that blasted Peeve again! He's always up to no good it seems. Sigh. This pet Peeve of mine has yet another behavior that irks me. This particular one only seems to happen at certain times which is good. I think any more than this and I would probably lose my mind. People who speed when it's raining cats, dogs, cows and Fat Alberts out there make me furious. Especially when I'm on the highway.

(sung to tune of "Baa Baa Black Sheep")

Nascar Reject....what's with all the speed
Is there...a death wish.... to fulfill....you need
The road is wet...thanks to all the rain
That puddle on the side...can make you hydroplane
Nascar Reject...we share the road with you
But we won't mind...if...we'll never have to...

Now, I'm not talking about a-sun-shiny-day-sweeping-the-clouds-away-on-my-way-to-where-the-air-is-sweet-on-to-Sesame Street-where-it's-all-dandy day. And suddenly, a light sprinkle comes down and people start driving way BELOW the speed limit (40 mph last time I checked here). No, not this kind of day. This however, is another situation which is equally annoying.

Yet, the situation that really drives me crazy, mark my words, is when the heavens are letting loose all their fury on the earth and the speed demons decide to come out to play. The darkened skies and white sheets of rain already make it impossible to see the car in front of you or the lines on the highway. Shoot, even the front of your own car! Yet, these fools think it's fun and cool to switch lanes like the Geico gecko switches accents in every other commercial. Did anyone else notice that? Good thing, 15 seconds no (not or) more is all I can take of that little green twerp.

Anyway. I used to think it was okay for trucks to do it because I deduced that although they're heavier and have a larger momentum that they could still chance to speed up in the rain. The main factor here was probably that they have bigger tires with plenty more traction. And, I've always noticed that during heavy rain when mostly everyone else drives slow, truckers take the chance to overtake and pass traffic. Yeah. I believed this alright. Though, this was until I heard about an accident with a truck skidding on a highway during rain. Dang. And the driver was going over the speed limit too.

But those sedans and even SUVs that are always determined to speed past me when everyone else is trying to drive cautiously (at least until the rain subsides) annoy the rational thinking out of me. I wonder if it's wrong that a part of me sometimes wishes that they skid off the highway (accident-free of course!) and then, their car gets stuck there till the rain stops. Speeding while the rain is gushing down will definitely get you on TruTV along with those idiots in the police car chases. If you're lucky you might make it to the fame level of Jackass TV - which is undeniably one of the best shows ever made on Earth and which has won so many awards for its creativity, family-oriented humor and....Okay, I could only BS so long. It's a dumb show that should never see the light of day ever again. Or any of the gasp! movies that were made of that show. Just as dumb are those who speed in this manner in this specific situation.

It doesn't matter if you just bought the new Michelin or Firestone tires with the double-threaded interlocking traction and channeled grooves to direct water away from the surface contact of the tire with the road. Others around you are driving slowly and you trying to speed only helps to further disrupt the already molasses-motion traffic. Yes, you in that white Ford Explorer. I can hardly see with all this rain but I can clearly see you're driving like an arse and you swerving too. That's not okay. Zero cool points.


Hopefully as winter approaches, there will be less rain as the place gets colder. One thing in my opinion that is even dumber and certainly more stupid than speeding in the heavy rain is speeding on the slick, partially frozen, somewhat iced highway. That will truly be a case of the fast, oblivious and ridiculous (depending on how it turns out perhaps even hilarious or notorious). But, I'm sure if I keep my eyes open that I'll be sure to see even this...

It might even end up an installment in the "Samsung Camera Never Lies" series! We'll see...

Aargh!

P.S. Google research (most credible source in the universe) suggests driving with shades on during heavy rain to see more clearly. No lie. Seems to confirmed by some men in blue and you know the cops never lie. Try it next time, it's crying a river while you're on the black carpet...

The Fast And Oblivious

Oh This Pet Peeve Of Mine!

I hate my pet named Peeve. Peeve sure does piss me off sometimes. Peeve tends to do quite a number of things that can drive me bananas. Like his incorrect spelling or clearly obvious incorrect grammar.

What's even worse is that I've realized that Peeve actually has magical powers. Well, one that I know of for sure...

He can cause random strangers to imitate his behavior or actions. And I think that is what I HATE the most about my dear pet.

I thought that this was a localized phenomenon until I started seeing his annoying effects everywhere from Facebook statuses to Twitter updates to billboards to (gasp) official - well not so official after you had words like 'corrporation' or 'bnefits' - letters sent out by certain companies.

Oh This Pet Peeve Of Mine!