Sunday, January 31, 2010

Douchebag 101

Thanks to the popularity of Jon Goss, Spencer Pratt and the now much loved "Jersey Shore" Boys, being a d-bag is becoming the cool and popular thing for some.

I mean what better way to become famous than acting like an arse, giving yourself a stupid name or names or being oblivious to how much of an arse you are. After all, it's all guido, baby! Welcome to your first session in Guidology: On Becoming A Douche.

While the term guido initially referred to Italian Americans who fell into both the working class and urban categories, anyone can become easily become guidosized. (see number 5 below).

As always, I try to help others in their quest for self-fulfillment and happiness. So, I've done some beneficial research (watched one and a half episodes of Jersey Shore - couldn't bear it any longer and consulted the almost-all-knowing Google).

To ensure that you stay with the in-crowd, here are a few helpful hints:

1. Wear Ed Hardy tees or super-small smedium shirts. As a matter of fact, it doesn't matter what brand too much as long as it's extra-extra-extra small.

2. Be severely chronically obsessed with going to the gym and working out. Or at least talking about going to the gym and working out. After all, this is the point of those tight shirts, to show off the muscles you've worked on for the last 6 minutes before looking at yourself in the mirror and flexing.

3. Constantly flex your muscles and let people know how "much" you work out.

4. Use/own/purchase immense quantities of hair styling products such as gel, mousse and holding spray.

5. Make up your own words. Shoot...make up your own language!

6. Reduce daily shaving till you have either a scruffy, goatee bearded look to match your scruffy look (the J Goss depends on which season of the show you happen to see or Spencer style) or primp and prep yourself in the mirror after applying spray-on tan, shaving, plucking, tweeking your facial hair to get the right "guido" look.

7. Think everyone is interested in what you are doing at all times. Then act as if you don't like all the attention when inside you skipping up and down like a fat kid locked in a Ben & Jerry's overnight by mistake.

And remember being a d-bag has its many benefits such as popularity, fame, sex appeal and ladies. However do remember, don't have one or more kids (especially 8) if you're not mature enough to be a father. Don't let your significant other do all those plastic surgeries. Lastly, don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Or whatever that catchy phrase actually means...


DISCLAIMER: Mark My Words, Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills, does not hold itself liable for any disillusions of grandeur, failed dreams, broken promises, insults, ridicules, heckles, outright-in-your-face laughter, depression, sadness, illness or even death caused by trying to enhance, alter, improve one's image, character, sex appeal, fame, popularity by following the above posted rules of guidology and the end result is still as bad as the beginning. We admit that we may have misinterpreted the truth when we mentioned that everyone LOVES guidos/douchebags and that EVERYBODY was trying to become one.

12 spoke already...add your 2¢:

The Peach Tart said...

If I was those Jersey kids' Mama, I would give them a spanking. It's apparent that they were not raised right. To a Southern Belle, their behavior is totally appalling. They certainly need to have some lessons in manners and proper behavior.

Me-Me King said...

Let's take douche bag a step further, Douche Lord, as in John Edwards.

michelle said...

ugh im so glad i didnt get into that show. behavior like that should never be rewarded :p

Spaz said...

Those pictures made me mad. Is that healthy?

Anonymous said...

This post should be accompanied by The Douchebag Anthem it contains many essential components to being a douche, in an easy to remember form.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

California is essentially Guido-free territory, but we make up for it in other ways.

ms.rubies said...

ROFL! oh mahn...let me catch my breath. #1 is greatness all the way.

Tammy said...

Cool blog...Im following you.

Please check out and follow my blog

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

>the peach tart: Ah, where did good manners and behavior disappear to? Lol.

>me-me king: Hmm. Douche lord indeed!

>michelle: Sadly, it is by the plethora of viewers who watched last season. Lol

>spaz: I think it's perfectly normal. To feel mad that is. Or pity. Or disgust.

>freaksmack: Yes, that would make it truly complete.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

>knucklehead: How lucky you are! I envy you! The people of Jersey Shore envy you too. Lol

>ms.rubies: Yes, it can be rather hilarious. Especially if you see someone ACTUALLY wearing one.

>tammy: Thanks for dropping by! I'm checking out AND following your blog at this moment.

Jen said...

Even with all the hype I can't bring myself to watch that show. I see enough dumbasses just driving through town. JGoss needs to go away. He probably need to pay his child support too.

Torie Michelle said...

(1) The Jersey Shore commercials make me twitch. I imagine that trying to watch a whole episode would give me an aneurysm.

(2) Personal pref: No man should have gel, mousse, or holding spray in his hair.

(3) It seems like everyone--'guido' or not--is suffering from your #7 (Oh, Twitter.)

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