Licensed To Drive Me Insane

As I've said in previous articles, I like love to drive! It's interesting to observe the different types of personalities behind the wheel of cars that you interact with on the roads. I think it's funny too how the highway is like a microcosm of society. You have the flashy show-off types, the introverts, the relaxed ones and so on and so on.

A short while ago, I was looking at a CNN live coverage of an ongoing high speed pursuit in Dallas County, TX. The suspect was driving (well is, it's still occurring as I type) a gray Ford F-150 pickup truck and was being followed by about 8 to 9 police cars. Apparently, the suspect tried to flee a gas station without paying and was wanted for subsequent assault on a police chief as well. Sigh! The economy seems to be wreaking more havoc on some people than everyone else.

Yet, something else was rather funny and interesting to me. I wondered what random stuff could be going on through the mind of someone in that situation. Are they listening to their favorite jams on some CD? Or listening to the midday music beat on someone's WZTF 95.1 FM radio channel? Hmmm...what if they're listening to the news coverage of their own chase and smiling in glee?

I can imagine someone wringing their hair, looking back in the mirror constantly, and saying "OMG! What have I just done? What am I doing?!". I can also see them perhaps praying to a God above for some lucky break. Who knows huh? What if they have a smirk on their face akin to that of Heath Ledger in the latest Batman flick? And then they end with the whole evil laugh routine with an additional, "Yessss...everything's falling into plan!"

Yes, these and others are the people who we meet, when we're driving down the street, they're the people that we meet each day. Anyone born in the 80s catch the Sesame Street reference?


Here are four types of people I've noticed so far when I'm putting the pedal to the metal.

1. The Nascar Reject. This is the person with the crazy need for speed. They always think everyone else is driving too slow and are constantly swerving and weaving in and out of traffic 'trying' to get ahead. May honk horn and flash lights repeatedly.

Typical Face Expression:  Angry, annoyed
Probable Thought Pattern:  Get the F&%! out my way, slow retard! I'm trying to break the speed record!
Other Common Names:  Speed Racer Moron, Speeding Idiot, Racing Fool


2. Sweet, Swerving Senior. Someone's dear grandparent or a loving, senior citizen driving just below or WAY below the speed limit. Wears possibly super-thick glasses which they are peering over while gripping the steering wheel in a classic 10-and-2 position. May be knitting, playing Bingo, sleeping or daydreaming also.

Typical Face Expression:  Sweet, Clueless
Probable Thought Pattern:  Did I feed the cat? Where am I going? Where am I? What am I doing? (Who am I??)
Other Common Names:  Slow Poke, Ms. Daisy, WTF-Is-Driving-So-Slow?, Bless-Her/His-Heart


3. Soccer Mom On Steroids. I love moms who take active roles in their kids' lives and extra-curricular activities. This is the Mom who drives the SUV like it's a war tank or an armored car escaping kidnappers. Normally timid but becomes a super-aggressive person once the engine cranks. Adept at talking on phone to possible female friend while telling kids in the backseat to stop misbehaving and thinking about those shoes she bought earlier. Might be sipping latte or eating snack. Maybe.

Typical Face Expression:  Changes constantly from angry@other drivers to annoyed@kids to happy@telling friend about shoes she just bought to blank@thinking about life to anything else
Probable Thought Pattern:  What am I making for dinner? Is Bob working late today? Where did my life go? Why won't these kids keep quiet?
Other Common Names:  Super Mom, Crazy-Lady-With-Kids-In-SUV


4. The Wild Newbie. This person recently got their license and/or car. Erratic driving pattern ranging from slow to speed bursts to taking wide corners to plain occasional crazy. Often very oblivious of their drifting or swerving into other lanes, turn signals, approaching traffic, and cars wanting to overtake. Yet very focused on the new Jay-Z or Britney Spears song they're jamming to. May annoy you if they are in front of you or to the side of you.

Typical Face Expression:  Happy, Surprised, Often Serious
Probable Thought Pattern:  Yay! I'm driving by myself! Is the left or the right one the brake? How far is that truck in my rear-view mirror? I really like this song!
Other Common Names:  Student Driver, Get-Out-The-Way, OMG-Are-You-Paying-Attention?,


Maybe some more types in a later article? Aargh!

P.S. 2,3 & 4 are often distracted as well as all four types text on their phone while driving (I mean who doesn't, right?)

Licensed To Drive Me Insane