Monday, October 19, 2009

I Won't Shake Your Hand If...

I'm a cordial, friendly and outgoing person usually. I like to meet and greet people. I even do it with a big smile too. Sometimes, meeting people can be awkward though. Especially, if it's because of something you saw just a few seconds before meeting them. Especially if it involves either a right or left arm, or even both. This can lead to those truly awkward moments when you try to avoid the hand grasp at all costs. I've experienced every one of these at least one time.

So, you're about to shake hands when you:

1. Remember you just saw him picking a huge booger out of his nose. As his hand approaches yours, you see a brown speck on his forefinger. You're not in the Matrix so it's not an illusion but that is definitely the ONE. The same one you just saw him mining diligently for.

2. Realize she just coughed into her right hand, wiped the BACK of her hand NOT the front on her skirt and is about to now greet you. 

3. See a red, open sore on the his thumb with NO plaster or anything. It even looks like it's oozing some weird substance or  maybe it's just your mind playing tricks on you.

4. Recall that you just saw this dude in the restroom two stalls away from you and he left before you. He clearly did not wash his hands and blatantly avoided the sink like Kim from RHOA avoids the obvious fact that she's 'engaged' to a MARRIED man who lives at home with his family. Now he wants to 'Let's shake it on it buddy!" No...I just saw you shaking your 'lil buddy' and you didn't use soap afterwards.

5. Know that she just shook your friend's hand and he gave you the "Dude-she's-got-really-sweaty-palms" look. Though not too bad because some people do get nervous, it still can be a bit awkward. And sweaty.

6. Notice that the other person's hand is still all grubby, greasy, covered in chocolate, or whatever they're were just stuffing their face with. And especially if they just licked their fingers in a weak attempt to clean them before extending their precious hand towards you.

7. Remember last time, this guy greeted your firm handshake with an even firmer 'bear claw grip' around your four fingers and crushed the life out of them. Though you did your best to smile and not curse the daylights out of him, it did leave you scarred. Maybe a fist bump will suffice.

Maybe I should walk around with an extra-large bottle of Purell. These people wouldn't even have to ask. I would be most willing to share. By all means. After that, we can perhaps shake on it. Perhaps. Maybe after a second dousing of sanitizer to calm my often germophobic nature.


5 spoke already...add your 2¢:

Kelvin Oliver said...

I don't shake too many people's hands. Sometimes we may not know where their hands been at when they are not around. Sometimes people don't wash their hands when they leave the restroom. I've seen that before and remember my high school American Goverment using the restroom in the stall next to me and just left and I was like "wow." And I may not have been the only one to know that he doesn't wash his hands.

It's always good to clean hands every day. It helps us from being sick and the germs away at times.

The Peach Tart said...

I try to avoid shaking hands

The Not-So-Eligible Bachelor said...

I'm actually appalled by how many dudes don't use soap - let alone was their hands - before leaving the restroom.

And according to several girls I know - the same holds true for the ladies...

Arm yourself... with Purell.

Anonymous said...

I was at this restaurant once and saw a waiter come in, take a dump and go back out. NO SOAP!!!
I had to leave cuz i wasn't sure if that was like the thing to do there. I mean, common! That's just gross!!!

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

Kelvin: As a certified germophobe, I do agree

Peach Tart: Bien sur! Especially if any of the above happens, so do I.

Bachelor: Hmmm. Yes ladies do fall ill to this condition as well. One may even coin a term like Sanitariphobia. Lol.

User of no name: Lol. If I did see, I might be grossed out too!

Related Posts with Thumbnails