Monsters in My Attic

As a kid, I never actually had an attic. Though thanks to the vicarious ability of television and the powerful imagination of pre-tweens, my closet would magically transform into the perfect monster-haunting, creepy-crawler hiding space for any monster I saw on TV a few hours before bedtime.

I would swear I would imagine the scraping, shuffling, dragging noises coming from above me were real and not simply in my head. Not sure if it was the Boogieman or Chucky from Child's Play or some other ghoulish fiend like that dude from the show with the lady and those poor, eight kids.

Sometimes, we can relive our childhood memories, good and bad. I've realized that is one memory I would rather forget. But apparently, that's not my luck.

Living anywhere with people above you somehow makes the 'monster noise' seem even more real each day. Even in a nice, bourgeois apartment complex like mine. I swear it brings back those nights when I had to use a night light or leave the door cracked so the light from the hall could come in.

There it goes again! Scraping, shuffling, moving, rolling. It seems these monsters above me are the rebellious, type and come out to play before the dreaded witching hour or when we're all asleep. I hate these damn monsters who make all these weird noises above my head each night. I think what drives me crazy is wondering what schemes they are probably up to. Unless it's a plan to eventually end the reality TV show craze or to make people stop walking and spitting whenever I'm in nearby proximity, then I think they should reserve their 'meetings' for normal, working hours.

I think these 'monsters' who live above me are typical monsters. They seem not to care about the noises they make - either they're trying to scare me away or they're oblivious to how loud they can get. I often wonder whether they're having crazy, acrobatic, tantric sex or there's a second gym room in the complex that management forgot to mention or even if a new bowling alley was recently added above me. And every night too! Do 'monsters' also keep schedules and do things like regularly DVR their favorite episode of "The Family Guy" or plan to rearrange their furniture at 8.30 every evening? Or make frigging noises above me constantly? Who knows for sure...

I remember in college, during my last two years, that I was being attacked by probably these same monsters or their moronic third-cousins. I had this long piece of wood that I would use to try and scare them away each time they made noises. I would take my warrior staff and bang it against the ceiling till the noises stopped or I got tired of doing it. Most times I succeeded in scaring them off for a bit only to have them return.

And it always felt like they returned with two or three more monsters in tow as the noises seemed louder. Or probably I just got more irritated. Why did the biggest monster have to live above me, own Rockband which he played everynight (with the full kit - drumset and all) and be above six feet, seven and weigh more than 225 pounds. Ridiculous I tell you!

It seems that not only the war in Iraq is never-ending, so is mine with these monsters. Perhaps I should journey to yonder lake next week to seek the help of the sprites and get my own Excalibur with which I may chance to banish these foul beasts. Or at least get Superman with his X-ray vision to tell me what the hell they keep doing up there.

The battle wages on...Aargh!

Monsters: 1906 Dave: 0

P.S. If you also suffer the same plight of 'monsters' above you, let me know of your secrets to ridding them....all for one and one for all...